Measuring the Wall

Measuring the Wall

by Mark Lyons

Image by kalhh from Pixabay

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            “Dum, dee-dum,” hums Mark as he extends a metal tape measure up one of the walls in his master bedroom.

            “Uh, Honey?” asks Sally. “What are you doing?”

            “Dee, dum-dee. Oh, hi!” replies Mark. “I’m measuring the wall.”

            “Yes, I can see that,” says Sally. “Why?”

            “For the rock-climbing wall,” responds Mark as he spreads the tape horizontally across the wall. “Dum, dee-dee-dum.”

            “The what?” asks Sally.

            “The rock-climbing wall I’m going to build,” says Mark. “You know, rock climbing?”

            “A rock-climbing wall?” Sally asks again, her eyes opening wide. “You’re wanting to put that in here?”

            “This is the biggest room with the widest uninterrupted wall in the house,” says Mark. “It wouldn’t fit in the bathroom. That would be silly.”

            “You don’t even rock climb outside the home!” says Sally. “Why do you want to build one in the house?”

            “To go along with the bungee jump, the obstacle course, and the parkour course that I am putting in the computer room, the living room, and the hallway, respectfully.”

            “Please tell me more,” says Sally.

            “Yeah, even with the COVID vaccine, we need to be careful about going outside of the home. And with my deep interest in keeping fit as I get older, it is the prefect marriage of keeping safe, getting exercise, and adding to the décor of our home,” says Mark.

            “Your deep interest in keeping fit?” asks Sally.

            “Yes, didn’t you read my blog post titled The Regimen?” asks Mark. “The exercise regimen I developed combining my love of grocery shopping with exercise?”

            “But you haven’t exercised in years!” says Sally.

            “But I have grocery shopped,” replies Mark. “I just added exercise to the routine.”

            “Okay,” says Sally. “How is this going to work again?”

            “I will start with the rock wall,” replies Mark. “The safety harness will be attached to a pulley system anchored in the overhead light in the ceiling. I am going to use those adhesive plastic hooks that are the removable kind. You won’t have to worry about the wall. When we want to take it all off, like that’s going to ever happen, you just pull down on the elastic part of the hook and the hook comes right off. Pretty sure they have some that will hold my weight. I am going to put them on the wall at distances far enough apart to tax my muscles. The little bell at the top is for me to ring when I get there. You’ll be hearing a little ding-a-ling all the time now!”

            “Adhesive hooks on the wall?” asks Sally.

            “Uh-huh,” says Mark. “Now the bungee jump is made from two, 3-foot-long bungee tie downs I got from the auto department in Walmart. I am attaching them together end to end from the air vent grate in the ceiling. I will jump off the step ladder I will install in the center of the room. I will be okay because I am using only two of the 3-foot-long cords. They don’t stretch too far. Plus, as an added safety feature, I am putting several layers of bubble wrap on the floor directly underneath my flight path.”

            “What?” asks Sally.

            “I know, how am I going to do the obstacle course in the living room?” says Mark. “I can see it in your eyes. I’m going to use the furniture that is already there and just jack up the couch with cinder blocks so I can crawl under and then over. I will buy several plastic trash cans, cut out the bottoms, and duct tape them together for crawl through tunnels. You will hardly know they are there.”

            “Oh my!” says Sally.

            “The mound of dirt in the center of the room will look great,” says Mark. “We can put all of our plants in there as well as providing me a fantastic obstacle. Functional and tasteful at the same time!”

            “Mound of dirt?” moans Sally.

            “It will all be okay,” says Mark. “The plastic trash bags I put down first will completely protect the floor. Now the parkour course will be a wonder to behold. I saw this video and I am going to make ours just like it only better. The thin fingerhold shelves on the walls all throughout the hallway will also hold all our family photos. Our dining room table chairs will be used as jumping off towers from one to the other. Finally, several air mattresses will work well for the tumbling part of the parkour course and the floor routine. I plan on using “You Can Call Me Al” by Paul Simon – my most favorite music video ever – as my floor routine musical inspiration.”

            “Is that where you wear that spandex thingy, the one when you do your grocery shopping / exercise regimen?” asks Sally.

            “You did read that blog post!” exclaims Mark. “And it’s a leotard running suit in beige – my favorite color.”

            "Oh, Mark!” says Sally.

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