Mark’s New Business Venture
by Mark Lyons
Image by Aline Dassel from Pixabay
SammySocks Etc. Blog - Comments and Observations from Someone Who Is a Retired Educator and the Father of Sammy (a Person with Autism). Visit us at www.sammysocksetc.com.
“Honey, I think I’m almost ready to start my new business on Zoom!” said Mark.
“What new business?” asked Sally.
“How to Be a Pizza Delivery Driver,” replied Mark.
“Okay,” said Sally.
“I’ve got my marker board, eraser, my old pizza delivery hat, and my slide projector,” said Mark. “I am going to rock this Zoom class!”
“Uh-huh,” said Sally.
“Oooh, I almost forgot my aluminum telescoping pointer,” added Mark. “I was going to use a modern, hi-tech laser pointer, but I’m afraid I would hurt my eyes.”
“Oh, that’s good,” said Sally. “What exactly are you going to teach in this class?”
“I am going to teach the unique skill set I have from 30+ years of experience. I’ve honed, refined, sculpted, shaped, and defined what it means to be a professional pizza delivery driver,” said Mark. “I can’t keep this to myself. It is my duty, yes, my responsibility to share this with the rest of the world. Yes, because of this, fame may come my way, but I am willing to risk the burden that comes with fame for the benefit of mankind!”
“Sure, why not,” said Sally. “But again, what exactly are you going to share?”
“Here are a few of the lesson titles from my course syllabus,” replied Mark. “And by the way, I have contacted The University of Texas at Austin, Texas A &M University, and the Texas Education Agency to let them know I am offering this highly anticipated course, you know, in case they want to give college credit. Pretty sure it would be on the graduate level. Anyway, here are some lesson titles:
+ How to fold a pizza box in less than five seconds.
+ How to keep your hands smooth and younger looking while washing dishes in between deliveries.
+ How to look good in a pizza delivery uniform.
+ How to get pizza sauce out of your shoes.
+ How to safely run away from dogs.
+ The importance of keeping dog treats readily available.
+ How not to use a really bright light to look for addresses so that you do not get shot at.
+ How to fall without hurting the pizzas.
+ How to count even or odd house numbers to find addresses.
+ How to wake up sleeping customers.
+ How to make believable excuses for being late to a delivery:
“A herd of sheep was blocking the road.”
“The low water crossing was flooded.”
"I was helping an older person change a flat.”
+ How to give the correct change in the rain.
+ How to balance pizza boxes, soda bottles, tubs of ranch, bags of salad, and spaghetti while walking up three flights of outside stairs in a driving rainstorm.
+ How to act humble when getting a big tip.
+ How to be an UBER driver at the same time you are delivering pizzas.
+ How to find a pay phone – oh, yeah, we have cell phones now.
+ How to “accidentally” make a mistake on making an order to get to eat it.
+ How to sound sick over the phone so your boss will let you stay home.
+ How to chase after a $20 bill blowing away in the wind while juggling pizzas.
+ How to drive a car, shift a stick shift, grade papers, read a map, call a customer, and find the address on an order ticket all at the same time.
+ How to make a pizza with one hand while at the same time eating a pizza with the other.
+ How to nap and deliver pizzas at the same time.
+ How to deliver a pizza order after getting a speeding ticket.
+ How to handle the celebrity status of being a swarthy and handsome or pretty pizza delivery driver.
+ How to pretend you are a NASCAR driver as you head to your next delivery.
+ How to dance as you vacuum an empty dining room after closing while listening to the piped in music. That’s right, I can dance!
+ How to convince a tipsy customer that they really did order a pizza.
+ How to coax a pizza order payment from a five-year-old sent to the door by a parent.
+ How to come up with different opening lines when the customer first opens the door for the pizza:
“How you doin”?”
“We have to stop meeting like this!”
“No, I’m not Brad Pitt.”
“I’m not late. It’s the time change.”
“Is that your car rolling down the street?”
“Can I borrow your bathroom?”
“I’m also preparing a tape for Shark Tank. Do you think they would like an 8 x 10 or a 5 x 7 autographed glossy picture of me in my delivery uniform?” said Mark.
“Really?” replied Sally.