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The Regimen

The Regimen

by Mark Lyons

Image by Tumisu from Pixabay

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            “Let me just save this grocery list as a power point presentation and then print it out,” says Mark. “I have each item listed exactly in the order I will find them as I go up and down each aisle in the grocery store. They are color coded as to product, canned goods, beverages, meats, toiletries, paper goods, refrigerated foods, and frozen foods. Then I cross referenced each one as to its location in the store to every other item, the shelf it is on, and how many calories (if it is a food item), and how many calories I will be burning as I reach for it on the shelf.”

            “What are you doing, Mark?” asks Sally as she walks into the computer room of their home. “I heard you talking to someone.”

            “Just myself,” answers Mark. “I am getting ready for my weekly grocery shopping / exercise regimen.”

            “Your what?” asks Sally.

            “Yes, I have combined my love of grocery shopping with my equally passionate love of exercising,” answers Mark. “I think it’s a new invention. It will revolutionize both grocery shopping and exercise. It will probably catch on. We will become rich and famous. We will have to hobnob with all the famous rich people, but we will never change.”

            “Uh-huh,” says Sally. “And all because of this new grocery shopping / exercise regimen?”

            “Yes,” replies Mark.

            “Please explain to me how this works,” asks Sally.

            “Oh, sure,” says Mark. “Let me first just slip into my leotard exercise suit that streamlines my muscles while at the same time allows them to breathe.”

            “Our muscles breathe?” asks Sally.

            “Oh, yes,” answers Mark. “That is how they get bigger when you exercise – the air bubbles.”

            “The air bubbles,” says Sally. She shakes her head, sighs, and says, “Go on.”

            “Well, along with the shopping list on my clipboard,” adds Mark, “I take a stopwatch to time myself, a yellow reflective vest so the other shoppers can see me coming, and a can of WD-40.”

            “What’s the WD-40 for?” asks Sally.

            “To oil the wheels of the cart,” says Mark.

            “Then what happens?” asks Sally.

            “Once I get to the store, I put on my vest, find a fast cart – one that does not go “thump, thump, thump” as the wheels turn, take out the clipboard with the list, WD the cart, and start,” says Mark.

            “Yeah?” asks Sally. “Where’s the regimen?”

            “I go fast – hence the stopwatch,” answers Mark. “As I go up and down each aisle, I bend low and reach high to get the grocery items. I also weave in and out of all the other shoppers. Most of them drive their carts like they’re in Europe. They don’t stick to the right side of the aisle, stop suddenly, double park, leave their cart to go search for their groceries, and hog the center of the aisle.”

            “And this will make us rich how?” asks Sally.

            “Like I said earlier, it will probably catch on, especially after the interview with Oprah,” says Mark.

            “You have an interview with Oprah?” asks Sally.

            “Well, I left a voice mail on her assistant’s phone,” says Mark. “I’m expecting her to call back anytime. “Plus, all the sales of the leotard exercise suits and the endorsements that will go on my exercise suit like all the race car drivers have.”

            “Oh, Mark,” says Sally.

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