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I Wanted to Be a Pirate


I Wanted to Be a Pirate

by Mark Lyons

Image by Dimitris Vetsikas

            “Mark?”

            “Yes.”

            “Got a question.”

            “Sure, but you know what?”

            “Uh – uh?”

            “When I was younger, I wanted to be a pirate.”

            “A pirate?”

            “Yes. Even walked around with a toy parrot on my shoulder. Did you know even as light as a parrot is, it can knock your whole equilibrium off? Something to get used to as a pirate.”

            “Didn’t know that.”

            “Yep. Anyway, I went back and forth for a while: teacher, pirate, teacher, pirate.”

            “Uh – uh.”

            “Each has its own pros and cons.”

            “Sure.”

            “With one you get to see the world.”

            ‘Yeah, that is exciting.”

            “The other one you get to show the world.”

            “All good stuff.”

            “Oh, and you know, give lots of homework and tests and stuff.”

            “Exactly.”

            “Worried my mom, though.”

            “Oh yeah? Why’s that?”

            “Oh, a pirate’s life isn’t too stable. One week you’re at home reading to the kids. Then the next couple of months you’re out pillaging and looting. Stuff like that. Can throw your digestive system for a loop. She always worried about stuff like that for me. And then there’s the financial part of it all, being a pirate.”

            “Money’s a problem? I sort of thought that’s why people got into the pirate thing.”

            “That is a common myth about pirates. Oh sure, it looks like loads of fun. You get to sail around and wear cool clothes with your buddies, but that doesn’t pay the bills. Pirates have bills just like everybody else. You know, car payments, mortgages, health insurance.”

            “Health insurance?”

            “Yes, and health insurance for a pirate is expensive. Go figure. And don’t forget the sword rental and swashbuckling lessons. Do you know what the exchange rate for pieces of eight to dollars is? And then throw in the Euro. It’s not all it’s cracked up to be, being a pirate. But I can afford to get me some men’s pyramid crew socks from SammySocks Etc. They are really affordable and look great on my feet.”

            “Uh, okay. Mark?”

            “What?”

            “Remember I wanted to ask you a question?”

            “Oh, yeah. What?”

            “Uh, never mind.”

            “That’s what I’m saying!”

 


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